Everything You Need to Know About Threesomes

Get ready to dive into all things threesomes. It may be an understatement to say that this guide is COMPREHENSIVE. It’s literally everything you’ve ever wanted to know about how to have a threesome. So, if you’re tri-curious… you absolutely should keep reading. But before we jump into the how-tos of sexy trios…

 

How do you know if a threesome is right for you?

 

Threesomes can be a ton of fun! There’s more beautiful people involved than usual, it’s super sexy and it allows you to connect with everyone on a whole new level. But, threesomes are not for everyone.

 

There needs to be lots of room for communication if someone feels overwhelmed or triggered by the experience. If there is a couple involved, jealousy issues may come up. They may feel hurt or ‘not good enough.’ These are totally normal and valid feelings that can occur when you bring someone new into your relationship, but they can be navigated if you have the right communication skills. 

 

As a person joining a couple in a threesome, you may be worried that it could cause issues between them, or you may feel like you’re being used or that you’re just a tool to bring some sexiness into the relationship. Again, totally valid. 

 

It’s okay to have reservations about having a threesome and it’s ok to feel unpleasant emotions before, after or during the experience. What’s not ok is being coaxed into a situation that you’re not 100% interested in. 

 

Feeling nervous and/or not knowing if it’s going to go well is completely different than knowing it’s not for you, but doing it anyway for the other people involved.

 

You should feel excited, turned on, curious, nervous but interested or just intrigued to learn more. If that describes you…let’s dive in…

Threesomes can be a ton of fun! There’s more beautiful people involved than usual, it’s super sexy and it allows you to connect with everyone on a whole new level.

How to Talk to A Partner About Having A Threesome

 

This can be a touchy topic. Especially if you’re not sure how your partner feels about threesome. 

 

Suss Things Out

 

If you’re going in totally blind, drop a few hints first. Ask them if they’ve ever had a threesome. How do they feel about threesomes? Would they ever consider having one with you? 

 

This opens up the topic for discussion a little more gently, instead of barrelling in with “LET’S HAVE SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE.”

 

Discuss Your Fantasies

 

Tell your partner everything you love about your sex life. Ask them if there’s anything they’d like to try and listen to their answer. Take mental notes. Tell them you’d be interested in trying a threesome one day, if they’d be interested. Tell them why you’re interested in having a threesome (if you don’t know why, that’s something you need to explore). 

 

If any insecurities come up around jealousy, you can assure your partner. Make them feel seen & heard and don’t expect to get an answer from them in the same conversation. It can take time to mull over the idea of adding people to the bedroom.

 

If they show zero interest in having a threesome, you have to let it go. You can’t force anyone to be into something they’re not. It doesn’t matter why they’re not interested, if you’re getting a hard no, then it’s a no. 

 

But if they DO seem interested, maybe start with a little inspiration, like our film All the Feels.

 

Where to Find Threesomes

 

You used to only be able to find a threesome in your social circle, which I’m sure got awkward every now and then… but with the rise of the internet, there’s lots of new ways to meet people who are interested in playing out their threesome fantasies.

 

Online Options

 

Tinder

 

If you’ve been on Tinder lately, I don’t have to tell you how many couples and singles are out there in search of threesomes and moresomes. Tinder is a group sex hot spot these days.

 

The best way to filter out the singles and filter in the threesomes is by setting up a profile as a couple or single and write a profile explaining what you’re looking for. 

 

Feeld

 

Feeld was designed specifically for group sex meetups. It has since added singles as well, but it’s still the number one app for non-traditional relationship dating. It has a few kinks to work out (no pun intended), but you can meet a lot of great people through Feeld.

 

Facebook Groups

 

Some places have city specific Facebook Groups for swingers and open relationships. It may take some digging to find them, but try searching for “(your city) swingers” “(your city) poly community” “(your city) open relationships”.

 

FetLife

 

This is an online platform geared towards people in the Kink/BDSM community. It has a list of a ton of kink events around the world. While you’ll find a lot more BDSM events, there is also events dedicated to polyam (polyamorous) and swinger communities where you can meet people looking for similar expereinces.

 

IRL Experiences

 

Sex Clubs/Parties

 

Most cities have some sort of kink scene that you can get involved with. Many have clubs specifically for swingers and/or polyam people. Try googling “swingers club (insert your city).” 

 

This may seem like an intimidating option, but it’s a great way to meet like-minded people for potential play. It’s also a lot less scary than it seems. There are a ton of rules in place to keep people safe and people in the kink scene tend to be the most respectful of consent.

 

Some places even host casual meet ups to take the pressure off. You can attend a pub night hosted by a sex club or kink group to meet other people in a no-strings-attached setting.

 

Friends

 

This is a bit more high risk, as it can change the definition of your friendship and sometimes that can be a tough transition for some people. Though, that’s not always the case.

 

Sometimes having a sexual experience with a friend/friends can bring you closer and be a lot of fun, since you already have a connection. Be sure to communicate A LOT before hooking up with friends to make sure you’re all on the same page.

 

Setting Boundaries & Playing Safe

 

If you’d like to get to know your threesome partner(s) better, you can set up a non-sexual get together before the actual threesome goes down. Meet up and have a beverage or coffee. There you can talk about boundaries, triggers and preferences. 

 

Boundaries

 

Whether or not you have a pre-date, it’s good to set up boundaries before the fun starts. That way, no one crosses any unexpected lines. Be very clear about what you will and won’t do. If you’re unsure, take time to imagine what could happen and make a list of the things that are yeses, nos and maybes.

 

When you set boundaries, it’s important that you stick to them. That means, you shouldn’t change your mind during sex and decide that something is ok, even though you previously said it wasn’t.

 

When you’re turned on, you may feel more open to trying things or feel pressured to do things that you’re not 100% into. It’s better to reassess your boundaries after you’ve cooled off. You can definitely shift your boundaries in the future, but make sure you have a clear head. Sex brain can make you much bolder than usual…

 

This goes for everyone involved. If someone gave you a boundary before sexual activity and wants to change it during the fun, remind them that they weren’t initially comfortable with doing that and let them know that you’d prefer to discuss it when you’re feeling more level headed.

 

Safe Sex

 

You’ll want to establish safe sex practices before the sexy times. This is not an awkward question. This is important information that you are absolutely entitled to ask for, if someone wants to sleep with you.

 

For STI testing, say something like:

 

“I was tested on (insert date here). When was the last time you were tested.” 

 

Also let them know what kind of birth control and STI prevention measures you are taking or plan on taking. 

 

“I’m on the pill and we use condoms.”

 

Always play safe.

With the rise of the internet, there’s lots of new ways to meet people who are interested in playing out their threesome fantasies.

Setting the Tone

 

If you’re hosting the threesome, you can set the mood with a sultry playlist, mood lighting and some snacks. If you don’t have dimmable lights, throw a silk scarf over a lamp to create a softer effect.

 

Having some crackers and cheese to nibble on will give you some time to chat before everything goes down. Sharing food is a universal way to bond and gain trust with one another. Plus, having some leftovers for post-coital munchies is an added bonus.

 

If you wish, you can enjoy a few alcoholic beverages to take the edge off, but FYI being completely wasted is not a good look.

 

After a couple drinks, it’s likely that someone will make the first move. It’s usually a slightly awkward moment, but someone’s gotta do it. If you want to be the instigator, try asking: 

 

“Can I kiss you?”

“Do you want to kiss them?”

“Can I give you a massage?”

 

Once something gets started, everything else usually falls into place.

 

As the host, you should provide condoms, lube and have a few (less intimidating) sex toys on hand. Sex toys can help take the pressure off people to give orgasms. I highly suggest something like the Honey Wand from Honey Play Box. The broad head of the wand can be used on any body part. Although it’s extremely powerful, it can also be used on a lower setting for more sensitive folx. 

 

What to Do During A Threesome

 

So…it’s happening…now what?

 

Going with the flow is the most important part of threesomes. Sometimes two people are going to be having a good time and it’s your job to either find a spot to fit in and increase pleasure or take a step back and let them do their thing.

 

If you feel like you’re not sure what to do, ask yourself these questions: “Do I want to participate right now?” 

 

If yes: “How can I add more pleasure to this moment?” “What body parts are available to be pleasured?” “Do I have consent to pleasure this body part?”

 

If no: “Do I want to just watch.” “Do I need a water break?” “Am I uncomfortable?” “Do I feel left out?”

 

In terms of different positions or what you should be doing at any given moment, don’t sweat it too much. These things seem to find their own flow (however awkwardly). Just keep your eyes open for ways to engage with the other two people. Can you kiss someone, play with their nipples, touch their genitals? Find a need and fill it… so to speak.

 

What Happens If Someone Is Left Out?

 

It happens. But it doesn’t have to be a huge deal. If you get left out of the action and you don’t see a way to join in, you have a few options.

 

Take a breather. Go get a glass of water. Check your phone. Have a snack. Take some time to check-in with yourself and see how you’re feeling about everything.

 

Just watch. Don’t underestimate the hotness of watching. Sometimes being left out has the sexiest views in the room.

 

Voice your concerns. If you feel uncomfortable about being left out, say something. All you have to do is say “Hey. I’m feeling a bit left out right now. Can we stop for a second?”

 

If you notice someone is left out, ask them if they’re ok and if they want to join in the action. Sometimes they may just be content to sit out for a bit and that’s ok too.

Going with the flow is the most important part of threesomes.

What To Do After 

 

The fun is over and everyone is thoroughly exhausted…now what?

 

Dealers choice! You can decompress by heading out for some food or a beverage. Or just stay in with snacks or dessert (ice cream is always a fan favorite) and chat a bit.

 

It can be nice to have some time for connection after the sex is over. It allows everyone to continue bonding, regardless of if you plan on seeing them again. It helps to humanize everyone and manage any jealousy people may have been feeling during the experience.

 

That being said, if you are a guest, read the room and make your exit if you feel like you’ve worn out your welcome. Some people need to decompress on their own. If you’re in doubt, just ask if they’d prefer if you headed out.

 

It’s also ok to sleepover, if you’ve been invited to do so. Whatever works best for everyone involved. But don’t hang around hoping for a sleepover invite, if you’re getting GTFO vibes, grab your clothes and head for the door.

 

Pro tip: The next day, it’s always classy to send a thank you to those involved. Even if it’s a one night stand situation, it’s still nice to send them a message.

 

“I had a great time last night, thanks so much for hosting!” 

 

or 

Thanks so much for all the fun last night, we loved having you over!”

Don’t forget to check-in with your partner once you’re alone. Find out what they liked, what they didn’t, if they’d be interested in trying it again. These moments of decompression with your partner is when you learn the most about their boundaries & their kinks and it even gives you insight into how you can better pleasure them. The more you explore, the more you discover.

 

Phew! Now that you’ve read the Comprehensive Guide to Navigating Threesomes, you have all the tools you need to be ready for your next ethical, communicative and sexy AF threesome. Now get out there and triple your pleasure!

Meet the author...

Meet the author...

Jennifer Doan is a Confidence Coach, writer and orgasmic activist. She is on a life-long mission  to help feminists own their sexual confidence by amplifying pleasure and giving less fucks. She believes virginity and gender are social constructs, sexuality is as fluid as her iced coffee and that EVERYONE deserves to feel empowered by sex.