Pleasure Driven Power Play For Every Couple

Pleasure Driven Power Play For Every Couple

by Kayla Yoder

**The following is the written-out version of this audio exercise, if this is this if your preferred medium**

Kink and BDSM may seem super extreme or even intimidating, but it’s a really fun way to play with a partner to add more diversity into your sex life. So often in the media or porn, kink is portrayed as this really extreme version of sex, but it doesn’t have to be. Kink and power play isn’t just for sex workers or extremists. Yes, it is a way to intensify sex, but I’m going to show you how you can start to incorporate kink into your sex life, today, in a super accessible, safe, and playful way. No, you don’t need to be a porn star or have a dungeon to play in the world BDSM. You and a partner can start exploring power dynamics with tools you already have in your own home. 

Also, a few notes before we dive in – I will be using kink/BDSM/power play as synonyms. Also, I will be referring to the submissive as “the sub” and the dominant as “the dom”. And finally, I will be referring to the interaction as “the scene”.

If you’ve never experimented with kink before, you probably have no idea what you want or what you’re into. So let’s play together and start exploring! Once you get a feel for what really turns you and your partner on, you can start intensifying the experience, little by little, with some suggestions included at the end of this post.

Consent & Boundaries

It’s IMPERATIVE that you have a conversation before starting this exercise about consent and boundaries. It is the most important aspect of power play. The dom is responsible for not only their own consent, but for the sub’s as well. The sub is responsible for their own consent. And consent is an active process. While having a conversation before starting the scene is important, it is equally important to be in active consent. That means speaking up when you start to feel anything but a full “fuck yes”. For the purposes of this exercise, we will be starting off slow, so you and your partner may not have many boundaries. However, if you choose to continue this exploration, vocalizing your boundaries is paramount to a good experience. So I encourage you to start practicing now :).

“Green”, “Yellow” and “Red” are safe words that the sub can use to vocalize consent/boundaries quickly and efficiently. 

  • Green means FUCK YES, I love this. 
  • Yellow means pause… maybe you need a minute to process what’s happening or ask your dom to lessen the sensation. It’s a pause to communicate or take a few deep breaths before continuing.
  • Red means STOP IMMEDIATELY. Once the sub says red, the scene ends in that moment and there’s no option to continue.

It’s really simple and also SO important to ensure that everyone has a good time. This is the most important aspect of BDSM – I really can’t emphasize this enough.

Let’s touch briefly on the nature of BDSM 

BDSM isn’t about being tied up and fucked, and it’s not about giving up control. In fact, in a safe environment, the sub is always in control. Safe words allow you to slow down or stop an encounter immediately, no questions asked. 

It is, however, about vulnerability and trust. As a sub, it’s trusting a partner to tie you up. It’s trusting the dom to not go too far. It’s trusting the dom to know when it’s okay to push boundaries a little bit, and to stop when you use your safe words. 

Trust is just as important as a dom. You trust that your partner is being honest with you about their thresholds. You trust that your partner will tell you if you go too far. It’s trusting your partner to follow your instructions, because sometimes they’re for safety.

Without that trust, safe words are used too often and the encounter either constantly pauses or just ends early. These interactions can be incredibly intense and can bring relationships to new levels of trust, vulnerability, and love.

Aftercare

Aftercare is also crucial and has major psychological implications. When the encounter is over, all of those neurochemicals are still there — adrenaline from the pain or discomfort; oxytocin from the orgasm(s); and a flood of endorphins from the excitement. Just holding someone in the aftermath of an experience that pushes boundaries and results in ecstasy is both very powerful and brings a couple closer together. You don’t just roll over and go to sleep after an intense encounter.

And finally, discussing the encounter is also important. How did it make you feel? How did it make your partner feel? What worked? What didn’t? How can it be better next time? Being able to talk honestly about it also requires trust and vulnerability, and helps to enhance future experiences. This kind of communication often spills over to the rest of the relationship – if you can talk about your deepest desires and fantasies, you can talk about anything.

Don’t let this overwhelm you…

I realize I’ve given you a lot to think about at this point, and while we are starting with a simple and basic exercise, these concepts are crucial to understand as you continue this exploration into power play. But don’t let it scare you, the simple exercise is very low risk and a way to get started, so you don’t have to be super confident in what you’re doing before starting to play.

Don’t overthink it. Start simple and practice these concepts together. If you have a solid level of trust and vulnerability with your partner, that’s all you need to get started. Just follow the steps in this exercise and you’ll be green, baby.

Let’s playyyyy

Okay, let’s get into the fun stuff. And remember, this is probably going to be weird and awkward. You’re not going to be a pro the first time you try anything, so just breathe and have fun with it!

Step 1.

We’re going to start with a scavenger hunt of your home. In sensation play, you want to incorporate different objects to explore different sensations. Here are some ideas to get you started, but feel free to get creative!

  • Fork or something else that’s pointy and sharp
  • Soft blanket
  • Feather
  • Spatula (rubber or silicone is best, but wooden will work)
  • Wet towel that’s been soaked in hot water
  • Anything that vibrates
  • Tape

**A quick note on the topic of spanking or a spatula… it’s important not to use this on your stomach, back or near any vital organs for safety. Best used on thighs and butt 😉 

Step 2.

Decide who is going to play which role first – who is going to be the dom and who is going to be the sub? 

Step 3.

Set a timer for 2 min. The dom stands up and the sub kneels in front of them. For 2 minutes, the dom does nothing but give attention to the sub. And the sub does nothing but receive attention from the dom. 

This will likely be uncomfortable, but just notice the sensations and stay in it!

Step 4.

The sub will lay down on a bed blindfolded. And the dom will gather all the “toys” you’ve chosen from around the house so they are easily accessible for the scene.

step 5.

Take a deep breath together and agree that the scene is about to begin.

step 6.

Set a timer for 10 min. The scene begins.

Step 7.

The dom will start using all the “toys” on the sub’s body. Go slow and don’t tell the sub what’s coming next. The anticipation is half the fun! Start by using each toy along the sub’s legs, arms, and different parts of their body. We often go right for the kill with genitals, but building up anticipation and not going straight to sex organs is actually so much sexier. 

After each toy is applied, the sub will rate the sensation on a scale of 1-3. 

  • 1 meaning “I don’t really like that”
  • 2 meaning “meh it doesn’t do a lot for me, but it’s not bad”
  • 3 meaning “OMG do that again”

Feel free to repeat any of the toys/sensations that got a 2 or 3 on different areas of the subs body to see where they elicit the most pleasurable response. Play and see how you can give your sub the most pleasure possible. 

Step 8.

When the 10 minute timer goes off, stop the scene and repeat steps 3-7, but switch roles. The person who played the dom first is now the sub. The person who played the sub first is now the dom.

Step 9.

Aftercare. Talk about the scene, cuddle, just be together. You can talk about what worked and what didn’t, how it felt to be the dom versus the sub, how you both felt before, during and after the scene, etc. You can also talk about how it could be better or things you might want to try the next time.

Next steps

You can come back to this practice over and over again with your partner, increasing the intensity of the sensations, or adding in other elements. I’m going to give you a few suggestions that will add to the intensity, but feel free to play with it and make it your own! Sex is a playground for you and a partner to explore yourselves and each other more deeply. So play together and see how you can bring more pleasure into your sex life. 

A couple ways to intensify this exercise:

  • Increase the time. 
    • Instead of 10 minutes, you can increase to 15, 20, and so on as you become more comfortable.
  • Add restraints.
    • You can use handcuffs, bed ties, other cuffs … or get creative if you don’t own these items by using straps, tape or a tie.
  • Change up the location.
    • Instead of always using a bed, you could try a chair or the kitchen counter, etc.
  • Increase the sensations.
    • When you first start, you are likely being more gentle. You can try upping the pressure or sensations with different toys.
  • Add psychological play.
    • Power play is inherently psychological, but you can try adding some dirty talk or other psychological elements during the scene and have the sub rate those experiences as well. 
  • Add more sexual acts. 
    • This game is designed for basic exploration and doesn’t include direct genital stimulation by nature, however, you can start adding in more sexaual acts as you become comfortable. Maybe a nice cock massage, some tongue and pussy action, or anal play. Those are a few suggestions, but the options are endless. Again, just play and see what brings your partner the most pleasure.
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Remember, above all else, have fun! This is an opportunity to play with your partner and deepen your levels of trust, intimacy & pleasure together. Enjoy!

Meet the author...

Meet the author...

Kayla Yoder is a pleasure instigator & sexuality coach for women who have a desire to explore with women. She empowers women to break free from their conditioning, start claiming their sexual power, and experience greater intimacy and connection. Kayla is a trailblazer who challenges herself and her clients to be the best versions of themselves and show up unapologetically.

Through coaching, workshops, and speaking, Kayla helps women get clear on their desires, release their fears and inhibitions, love themselves unconditionally, confidently ask for what they want, embrace their pleasure, and live a fully-expressed life.